Oscar fashion round-up.

Jackie Weaver, in Collette Dinnigan.



Honey, let's just un-tuck and get real for a minute. I know people loved this dress. They're all over the interwebs talking about how this Australian actress looked like a princess. But I just can't get over the disco ball bodice that looks like someone took a glue gun and attached a bunch of plastic gewgaws all over it. The dress chops her off at the waist, making her look like an oompa loompa. And the color (or lack thereof) washes her out. I'm not feeling it.





Deborra-Lee Jackman, in a mercifully unknown designer's creation.



Oh honey. I know. Your husband is so unspeakably hot that really it doesn't matter in your mind what you wear as long as that scrumptious yumminess is on your arm. That's what you were thinking, right? It looks like your poodle exploded while you were walking it. The rest of the outfit is reminiscent of Sandy's "slutty Sandy" outfit at the end of Grease. Girl, no. Try again.



Penelope Cruz in L'wren Scott.



I think Penelope Cruz is one of the most beautiful and curvaceous women in Hollywood. And Ms. Scott was heavily represented among the cohort of beautiful and glamorous nominees. But this dress looks like a blood clot.




Virginia Madsen in Romona Keveza.



What the hell was she thinking? Poofy white top makes Ms. Madsen look a little fat. Textured skirt also makes her look a little fat. The combination of the two breaks her line in half and makes her look like a short person with spina bifida. Someone needs a gay friend.




Sharon Stone in Dior.

Patsy Stone attends a funeral. Oh, honey. No.

Scarlett Johannsen in Dolce & Gabbana

I think Scarlett Johannsen is one of the most beautiful women in Hollywood. She has this ridiculously gorgeous figure that looks great no matter what you put on it. But I have a problem with this see-through lace thing... it's a little too Victorian for her... this looks like something Barbra would have tossed out during the initial filming of Hello Dolly. And the hair? Honey, were you in a car accident on the way?

Sandra Bullock in Vera Wang

Now that's a movie star. Look at how the dress moves with her, and how the very structured, angular bodice still manages to look as though it were comfortable and not allow a "wardrobe malfunction". I love Sandra Bullock, and love how she looks in clothes. However, there's something about her hair or makeup that makes me pause. I'm not sure what it is. Is it the orange tinge to the lips, or is it that she needs a little more drama in the eyes? I don't know quite yet. But this is a great example of how a movie star should wear a dress. Effortlessly.

Elizabeth Banks in Atelier Versace

Yard after yard of diaphenous beauty. I love this dress. It's so flattering on her. However, the color doesn't appear to do her complexion justice. Elizabeth Banks is a bit on the fair side, and this riot of pastels seems to make her blend into it.

Penelope Cruz in Donna Karan.

Penelope's gay friends must have texted her to ditch that L'wren Scott schmatte and put on a dress that's worthy of a movie star. This is it. I love this dress. I love the draping. I love the asymmetrical bodice that's at once structured and relaxed, modest and sexy. I love love love the color of the material. She looks tan and sexy. Oh, and she just delivered a baby. What? Yeah, girl.

Nicole Kidman in Dior

Nicole. Nicole, Nicole, Nicole. I understand your pain. I, too, am among those whose skin tone can best be described as "refrigerated". That's why I avoid wearing anything even close to the shade of this dress. It also looks like my mom's damask tablecloth that we sometimes use at Christmas, but not always because it's too small for the dining room table when it's pulled out. And those shoes might not be the best answer. Really, Nicole. You deserve better. But your hair? Flawless.

Natalie Portman in Rodarte.

How lovely did Natalie Portman look? A hundred weeks pregnant, and she strolls out in this beautiful shade of... what? Grape? Aubergine? Whatever. The neckline is perfection, the empire-ish waist is fabulous, not trying to hide her baby bump but not accentuating it either. I found myself looking at her, not at her dress. She was radiant.

Mo'nique in Tadashi Shoji.

I love how Mo'nique has elevated the way big girls dress at formal events. I actually think she looks better in this dress than the model from the runway. I also like the big flower she has in her hair... I know others might think it's overkill, but I like the Josephine Baker quality that it brings to Mo'nique's look. You go, girl.

Mila Kunis in Elie Saab.

Mila Kunis looked absolutely lovely. So gauzy and ethereal, with just the slightest touch of Victoriana. The hair and jewelry were simple and finished. The color was soft and feminine. A total winner from start to finish. Um... who is Mila Kunis, again?

Michelle Williams in Chanel couture.

Michelle Williams looks utterly fabulous. Look at how the dress hugs and skims her curves all the way down to the floor... perfection. The color seems to work for her, despite her fair skin... I'm not sure how, but it does. And I also like the way that the dress is sexy without showing any decolletage. Sexy and modest at the same time is hard to pull off. And the hair... girl... awesome.

Meryl Streep in Chris March.

I loved Chris March in Project Runway, and love that he gets to design for Meryl Streep. I like the ivory... it's a classic formal color that looks good on Meryl. I also like the plunging neckline... a little sexy, but not too much. But the overall look of the dress seems a little off kilter. I don't know what it is... maybe it's Mery's tousled hair... but the end result seems a bit blah. Not that Meryl Streep cares.

Mariska Hargitay in Vera Wang.

I like Mariska Hargitay. Anyone who gets to be that close to Chris Meloni is okay in my book. I also like that her father was Mickey Hargitay, a super muscley hunk from back in the day. You can see his genes in Mariska's lithe, beautiful figure. But this dress... I hate the color. It's drab. And all that froo froo... Lord have mercy. I get where Vera was going with this, but this dress needs an editor.

Marisa Tomei in Charles James.

Marisa looks great... her figure is well-accentuated by this dress from Charles James. I don't know about the crazy tulle at the bottom though. The asymmetric design is interesting I guess, but I can't help but be reminded of Carmen Miranda despite the dark palette.

Kristen Stewart in Monique L'huillier

This dress is lovely, I think. The draping is so beautifully done. Look at how curvaceous and sexy Kristen Stewart looks in it... despite her death-date complexion and agoraphobic personality. If this is what vampires go for, then sign my ass up. This is what Mariska Hargitay should have worn.

Jennifer Lopez in Armani prive.

People love to dog Jenny From The Block. I think she looks great in this dress, but it's certainly a lot of look. Perhaps one needs to be Jennifer Freaking Lopez in order to pull it off. She's giving us a bit of Disney Princess Realness, and I appreciate it.

Jennifer Lawrence in Calvin Klein.

Sometimes, the simplest designs are the best. I love this dress. I love that she's wearing what appears to be an orangey-red, a color that can be disastrous for some. I love that the design accentuates the gentle curges of Lawrence's youthful body, which is clearly beautiful. The cut of the top could easily make this dress look just a little bit beach-y, but the length makes it dressier... it's a win in my book. And no, I don't know who this woman is either.

Halle Berry in Marchesa.

Halle is serving up Good Witch Of The North Realness. Perfection. This woman could wear a burlap sack and make it look sexy and high-end. Too bad her taste in men isn't as good as her taste in clothes. At least he was hot. One is reminded of Princess Diana on the day her divorce was finalized, when she emerged from her limo to reveal a sexy, strapless, gorgeous new look. The best revenge, indeed.

Gwyneth Paltrow in Calvin Klein.

Honey, everybody was kvelling about Gwyneth in this Calvin Klein dress. I'm just not feeling it. She's obviously beautiful. But that big hem at the bottom looks a little... gasp... "home sewn". The material looks cheap. The little gewgaw at the hip looks like someone was trying too hard. And the design of the bodice and neckline, while interesting, looked more costume-y than anything. I just can't support it, but give Gwyneth snaps for her courageous fashion choices.

Florence Welch in Valentino.

I think Florence Welch, of Florence and the Machine, is one of the more interesting performing artists out there today. But this dress reminds me too much of my sister's Victorian-influenced junior prom dress. All she needs is some lavender Rit dye and she's there. Just... no.

Elizabeth Banks in Atelier Versace.

Love it. Love every bit of it. Banks looks better in this than the model does. The dress is a lot of look, to be sure. But Banks has opted for simple, elegant hair and accessories, so she's not overwhelmed. Classic.

Demi Moore in Atelier Versace.

I want to know who Demi's plastic surgeon is. Not that I could afford him. She looks flawless. The model from the Versace show has nothing on this Gen-X goddess. The hair, the dress, the rocking body, the accessories... every bit was fabulous.

Cate Blanchett in Givenchy couture.

I didn't know Dinah Shore was still alive. She looks great.

Annette Bening in Naeem Khan.

Age-appropriate sexy glamour. Perfect hair. Perfect accessories. This is how a 50-something movie star dresses.




Anne Hathaway in Valentino.

This is how Mariska should have approached a busy froofroo dress. Anne looks classically beautiful. So romantic and lovely. The color is perfect for Anne's refrigerated skin tone. Perfection.

Anna Kendrick in Elie Saab.

I like this look. Anna Kendrick looks romantic, feminine, and just plain... well... pretty. I do wish the color were a little deeper... Anna's skin tone is such that she gets lost in all this gauzy light pastel. Other than that, it was fabulous.

Amy Adams in L'wren Scott, with Cartier jewels.

I like this dress, but Amy needs to remove that necklace. Just because it's expensive doesn't mean it goes.