I wonder if FedEx delivers to the afterlife?

The Milkman

Madison, Wisconsin 53792

Jesus, God the Son, Lamb of God, Prince of Peace
1 Pearly Gates
Heaven, Afterlife 00001

21 March 2008

Dear Sir:

Pursuant to the recommendation from Ms. Lakwondashiqwa Johnson in Your customer service department (1-800-DOMINUS), I wish to express in writing my dissatisfaction regarding the 10-inch snowfall that befell Madison, Wisconsin today.

As You are no doubt aware, the winter of 2007-2008 has been the snowiest winter in Madison history. We have now had over 100 inches of snow this year. (I don't know if You use the metric system in the afterlife, but trust me... it's an awful lot.) After what seemed like an eternity encased in a snowy, icy tomb, someone (was it You?) rolled the stone away last week and the sun began to melt the snow, slush, snirt, and permafrost that have dogged our citizens since late last year. We allowed ourselves to hope that spring, that season of spiritual and earthly renewal, was upon us. Given that this is Holy Week, we also allowed ourselves to suspect that You had something to do with it. Just last night, I answered my atheist partner's query about the snowy weather forecast with a haughty "The Lord won't let that happen, you'll see". Subsequent observations have proven that my confidence in Your weather-related providence was wildly misplaced.

Please accept this letter as a cancellation of my subscription to Guideposts and The Watchtower. After my brief musical appearance at the St. Norbert's easter vigil tomorrow evening (assuming I can get there safely in all this snow), please note that the remainder of my resurrection day celebrations will involve decidedly secular activities.

I regret that this unfortunate incident has resulted in my disillusionment with Your divine weather control. I look forward to a pleasant Spring and mild Summer, during which You will be offered an opportunity to restore my faith in issues-related prayer.

With my best wishes for a renewal of Your well-documented personal and professional success,

The Milkman

CC: Pope Benedict XVI
The Dalai Lama
The Rev. Billy Graham
Barbra Streisand

There is neither heaven nor earth, only snow, falling incessantly.

This is my street, on the west side of Madison. The picture was taken last week, at about 7 am, while I was driving to work (which explains the slight blue-ish tint from my windshield).

I love how the entire scene is a study in blues and blacks and whites, with the lonely pop of the red stop signs in the distance. It looks like there's nothing for miles, but there are buildings and apartment complexes all around me. The snow-covered streets (okay, ice and then snow-covered) really enhance the monochromatic look, which makes the whole image seem either peaceful or bleak, depending on whether you live in this snowy muck or are just browsing through the photograph.

I, for one, cannot wait to take this image again when the trees are in bloom. Spring approaches, and even the most stoic ones among us are awaiting its arrival with trembling anticipation.

A year of snow, a year of plenty

To celebrate today's horrific weather forecast, I give you this little video. I love the maniacal laughter of the camera operator's friend in the background. He's clearly either super-high, or perhaps he forgot to take his thorazine. Or maybe both. Anyway, the video is of students (and some older people) falling on this patch of ice on the UW-Madison campus. No one was hurt, so go ahead and laugh.

Honestly, I don't know how much more of this winter I can take. We're already approaching the all-time heaviest snowfall totals in Madison's history, and it's not even mid-February yet. Have you ever heard an upper-midwesterner tell you (usually in a sing-song voice) that "March is the snowiest month... teehee"? It's not going to be pretty when someone says that to me this year.