South Beach Blues.

So I'm finishing my first week on the South Beach diet. For my tender, uninitiated readers, phase one of the South Beach diet requires the intake of almost no carbs. None. Nada. No fruit. No fruit juice. No potatoes, bread, legumes, carrots, beets, or butter. No ice cream or other sweets. Nothing. Also... wait for it... no alcohol.

Yes, I said it. No alcohol.

I knew this would be a challenge. I love cocktails. I don't love them because I'm a fucking alcoholic. I love them because I love the taste, and the relaxation that accompanies that taste. I take them in moderation, and love them. I've had three pints of Ben and Jerry's in the freezer and haven't been tempted by them at all really... but my craving for Hendrick's martinis is strong. In the entire past week, I have cheated three times... one martini on Tuesday night (we went to Lombardino's for a work dinner, so I was unduly tempted), two martinis at dinner Saturday night, and a little bitty bit of barbecue sauce with a pork chop I made yesterday. That's it... I've been carb-free otherwise, and have been feeling a bit lighter lately. So I weighed myself at work today.

Bad move. Shouldn't have done that.

At my fattest, while living in Columbus and subsisting on macaroni and cheese with tuna mixed in, chili casserole with crunched up Doritos on top, and take-out Chinese from Mark Pi's, I weighted 188 pounds. Now, after working out, eating better, and a week of South Beach (phase one, I might add), I weigh... wait for it... 193.

Holy fuckballs. 193? Really? I know I've put on probably 20 pounds of muscle over the past two years according to my trainer's estimates, but I can't blame it on that. And while I was clothed, I wasn't wearing a medieval suit of armor or anything. No. Just fat. Not obese fat, of course... this is Wisconsin, so I'm surrounded by people who have legitimate fattitude... but gay fat for SURE.

Sigh. I'm going to redouble my efforts, and get rid of the cheating and quit getting all lazy about the trips to the gym to do cardio. I'm giving it until the end of the month, and then will re-weigh myself. I will do my best to refrain from cutting a bitch this week and next. However, if you notice a news item from Madison that doesn't have anything to do with our douchebag governor with his asymmetrical face stuffed up David Koch's sweaty, pasty ass, it's probably going to be about me mowing down a bunch of people with my car.

More bacon, please. With a defibrillator on the side.

So it seems that my cholesterol, which was checked this morning for the first time ever, is armageddon-like in its horribleness. Triglycerides? 700% higher than normal. Good cholesterol? 1/3 lower than normal (that's not good). Bad cholesterol? 50% higher than it should be. And my glucose level is so high that I think I might have Karo syrup coarsing through my veins.

The weird thing is that I feel great. I've been working out, and have been active and energetic over the past year and a half or so. Who knew my cardiovascular status was so awful? The last thing I want to do is stroke out or die, so the following changes will happen as of now:

1. Diet changes. My diet wasn't all that bad to begin with, or so I thought... but perhaps my ability to discern good from bad dietary choices is sub-optimal. The data certainly seem to point in that direction. Breakfasts of oatmeal, lunches of salads or home-cooked lean meats, and dinners focusing on low carb healthy crap... that's going to be my life for the next several months.

2. Cardio. It's high time that my workout regimen was more consistent with respect to cardio... I've done lots of lifting, but I've been lame when it comes to the cardio workouts. That's ending.

3. Caloric intake reductions. Turns out triglycerides are created when excess calories are not used.

4. Alcohol moderation.... shit....